this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
