I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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