Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
