There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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