I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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