we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
