Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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