i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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