Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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