i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
