Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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