Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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