Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
