I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
