My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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