Life is so much better after having sex.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
