watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
