Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
