remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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