I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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