Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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