Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
