i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
