if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
