I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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