I just threw up on my dentist
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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