even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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