if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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