im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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