update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
