I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
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I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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