I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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