you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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