Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
