Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
