I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
