two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
