I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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