I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
