you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
