she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
