Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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