I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
