I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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