Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
