ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
