he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
