I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
