i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
