I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
