Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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