Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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