Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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