What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
