i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
