I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
