____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
