Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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