I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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