There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
